Star Wars: A NEW QTR (Part 2)
Is here! When your clients are efficient, their systems are automated and their books are in the cloud…. they have so much time on their hands that they can surprise you with the next instalment of your very own Starwars script, featuring Darth APRA, Tax Troopers and Officer Tarrif just to name a few 😀
If you need a refresher, you can find Part 1 here – Starwars New QTR
EXT. Economic speculation SPACE
An Imperial TAX destroyer heads toward the evil planet-like
ASSESMENT station: the BAS Star!
INT. BAS STAR – CONFERENCE ROOM
Eight Taxation executives and public servants sit around a
black conference table. Imperial TAX TROOPERs stand
guard around the room. Senior officer Tarriff, a young,
slimy-looking public servant is speaking.
Until this assesment station is fully
operational we are a sham. The
Xperion Alliance is too well educated.
They’re more judicious than you
The bitter Senior Executive MONEY twists nervously in his chair.
Dangerous to your Duty fleet,
Senior officer, not to this assessment station!
The Xperion will continue to gain
a support in the Australia Parliament as
Suddenly all heads turn as Officer Tariff’s speech is cut
short and the Grand Moff Taxman, Department Director of the
regional tax division, enters. He is followed by his powerful
ally, The ASIC Lord, DARTH APRA. All of the Public Servants stand
and bow before the thin, evil-looking Director as he takes his
place at the head of the table. The ASIC Lord stands behind
GRAND MOFF TAXMAN
The Australian Parliament will no longer
be of any concern to us. I’ve just
Received word that the Tax Commissioner has
dissolved the assembly permanently.
The last remnants of the west minster system
have been swept away.
That’s impossible! How will the commissioner of
taxation maintain control without the
GRAND MOFF TAXMAN
The regional Directors now have direct
Regulation over all Companies. Red Tape will
keep the local businesses in line. Red Tape from
this assessment station.
And what of the Xperion? If their accountants have
obtained a philosophical justification of this Tax
System, it is possible, however unlikely,
that they might find a feebleness of argument and
The Codes you refer to will soon be
back in our filing cabinets.
Any submission made by their paralegal against
this station would be a useless gesture, no matter
what secret codes they’ve obtained.
This station is now the ultimate datacentre on the
planet. I suggest we use it!
Don’t be too proud of this
Administrative terror you’re
operating. The ability to audit
a planet is insignificant next to
the power of the Financial Year.
Don’t try to level penalties with your
Ombudsman’s ways, Lord APRA. Your
sad attachment to that obsolete procedure
has not helped you subpoena for the
secret tax codes, or given you
enough deferment to find the
xperions secret tax hav…
Suddenly executive Money chokes and starts to go into the red as
Lord APRA applies his Investigative powers to moneys financial
I find your lack of aggregation disturbing.
GRAND MOFF TAXMAN
Enough of this! DARTH APRA, Extend his payment plan!
As you wish.
GRAND MOFF TAXMAN
This debating is pointless. Lord
APRA will provide us with the
Bank accounts of the xperion tax haven by
the time this station is operational.
We will then crush the Xperion
with one swift stroke.
EXT. TAXTOOINE – WASTELAND
The PAYG speeder stops before what remains of the huge Australian Job market. ROB and ABN walk among the smouldering rubble
Of the small business entity.
It looks like Super funds did this,
all right. Look, there are global hedging
sticks, Banker trades. It’s just…
I never heard of them investing in anything
this big before.
ABN is perusing the balance sheet studying the paper trail.
They didn’t. But we are meant to
think they did. These transactions are
double entry book keeping. Super funds always record
things in a single entry to hide their numbers.
This is the same Job market that offered
us R&D2 and FBTPO.
And these Bond trades too accurate
for super funds. Only Imperial
TAX TROOPERs are so precise.
Why would TAX troopers want to
Bankrupt The job market?
ROB looks back at the speeder where R&D2 and FBTPO are
inspecting the dead Job Market, and put two and two together.
If they traced the deductions here, they
may have learned who initially registered them.
And that would lead them back to the office!
ROB reaches a sudden horrible realization, then races for
the Payg Speeder and lodges it.
Wait, ROB! It’s too dangerous.
ROB races off leaving Ben and the two Deductions alone with the
burning Shell company.
EXT. TAXTOOINE – WASTELAND
ROB races across the economic wasteland in his battered Payg speeder.
EXT. TAXTOOINE – LARS HOMESTEAD
The payg speeder roars up to what left of the burning Office.
ROB jumps out and runs to the over clocked smoking computers,
paper is strewn around the remains that were once his cubical.
Profit and loss, balance sheets and business assets are scattered
It looks as if a great merger has taken place.
CEOwen! Aunt Beru! CEOwen!
ROB stumbles around in a daze looking for his Receptionist
and Senior partner.
Suddenly he comes upon the smoldering remains of their Capital
assests. He is
stunned, and cannot speak. A hardship clause replaces his fiscal
year and a new resolve comes over him.
An Imperial Tax fighter races toward the BAS Star.
INT. BAS STAR – Centerlink CORRIDOR
Two TAX TROOPERs open an electronic lodgement portal door and
allows several Centerlink guards to enter. Princess Petra’s face
is filled with defiance, which slowly gives way to worry about
her fiscal year as a giant Income Means Testing Calculator
enters, followed by Darth APRA.
And, now your Highness, we will discuss the account
Numbers of your galactic Tax Haven. Income Means Testing
calculator gives off a steady beeping sound as it approaches
Princess Petra and extends it analysis to the potential Income of
her work over the next 5 years and multiplies that by an
The door slides shut and the long centerlink block hallway
appears peaceful. The muffled
screams of the XPERION Princess are barely heard.
EXT. TAXTOOINE – Economic WASTELAND
There is a large firesale of the Job networks Assets blazing in
front of the shell company as Ben and the Deductions finish
the bankrupted on to the boiler room transactions. ROB drives up
in the Payg speeder and Ben walks over to him.
There’s nothing you could have done,
ROB, had you been there. You’d have
Traded insolvent, too, and the Deductions
would now be in the hands of the Taxation Empire.
I want to come with you to the Alderaan.
There’s nothing here for me now. I
want to learn the ways of the Financial Year
and become a KPI like my father.
EXT. TAXTOOINE –Economic WASTELAND
The payg speeder with ROB, R&D2, FBTPO, and ABN in it
zooms across the Duty Free Zone. The speeder stops on a bluff
overlooking the spaceport at Monsac Von Secca. It is a haphazard
array of low, grey, Company structures and Small businesses. A
harsh capital gain gale blows across the stark economic floor.
ROB adjusts his google search and walks to the edge of the craggy
Where ABN is standing.
Monsac Von Secca Spaceport. You will never
find a more wretched hive of scum
and villainy. We must be cautious.
ABN looks over at ROB, who gives the old KPI a determined
EXT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECCA- STREET
The Payg speeder is stopped on a crowded street by several
company-hardend TAX TROOPERs who look over the two deductions.
A TAX TROOPER questions ROB.
How long have you had these Deductions?
About three or four Quarters.
I’ll total them up if you want them.
Let me see your tax file number.
Rob becomes very nervous as he fumbles to find his ITR while
ABN speaks to the TAX TROOPER in a very controlled voice.
You don’t need to see his
Tax File Number.
We don’t need to see his
Tax File Number.
These are not the Deductions you’re looking
These are not the Deductions we’re looking
He can trade in his business category.
You can trade in your business category.
Move along. Move along.
EXT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECA- STREET
The Payg speeder pulls up in front of a rundown convention centre
on the outskirts of the Technology Hub related valley. Various
strange forms of transport, including several unusual Investment
companies, are parked outside the building. A JOB marketeer runs
up and begins to fondle the payg speeder.
I can’t abide this Job Market. Disgusting
As ROB gets out of the Payg speeder he tries to shoo the Job
Go on, go on. I can’t understand how
we got by those TAX TROOPERs. I thought
we’d be in a suspicious Industry.
The Financial Year can have a strong influence
on the Budget conscious. You will find it
a powerful ally.
Do you really think we’re going to
find a Financial planner in this networking meeting
that’ll take us to Alderaan?
Well, most of the best Financial
Planners can be found here. Only watch
your step. This place can offer a bad rate of return
I’m ready for anything.
Come along, R&D2.
INT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECA- Multi level marketing Seminar
The young Accountant and his two deductions follow
ABN Kenobi into the smoke-filled networking meeting. The murky,
moldy room is filled with Salesman and marketing executives
waiting at the long metallic bar. At first the sight is
horrifying. One eyed Bookeepers, multi eyed Insurance Brokers,
slimy solicitors, furry financial Planners, scaly, tentacled, and
clawed Business Coaches huddle over drinks.
ABN moves to an empty spot at the bar near a group
of repulsive but human resource salesman. A huge, rough-looking
networking convener stops ROB and the deductions.
We don’t claim their kind here!
ROB still recovering from the shock of seeing so many
outlandish business Categories, doesn’t quite catch the
Your Deductions. They’ll have to wait
outside. We can’t use them for Tax Offsetting
ROB looks at old BN, who is busy talking to one of the
Galactic financial Planners. He notices several of the gruesome
Business Coaches along the bar are giving him a very unfriendly
ROB pats FBTPO on the shoulder.
Listen, why don’t you wait in an offset account ready
for the Payg speeder. We don’t want any
I heartily agree with you sir.
FBTPO and his stubby partner go outside and most of the
attendies at the bar go back to their drinks.
ABN is standing next to NRCHIbacca, an eight-foot-tall savage-
looking consultant resembling a huge grey Mortgage Broker with
fierce Benchmarking fangs. His large blue eyes dominate a fur-
covered face and soften his otherwise awesome appearance.
Over his matted, furry body he wears two chrome Product
disclosure Statements, and little else. He is a two-hundred-year-
old critical illness insurance wholesaler and a sight to behold.
ABN speaks to the Wholesaler, pointing to ROB several times
during his conversation and the huge Consultant suddenly lets
out a horrifying laugh. ROB is more than a little bit
disconcerted and pretends not to hear the conversation between
Ben and the giant Wholesaler.
ROB is terrified of networking but tries not to show it. He
quietly sips his drink, holding on to his Business cards hoping
that no one will come and talk to him and he can slip out of the
A large, multiple-eyed Business Coach gives ROB a rough shove and
says something Rob doesn’t quite hear.
Vicious looking Business Coach
Double your business turnover Guaranteed????
The hideous freak is obviously drunk. ROB tries to ignore
the Coach and turns back on his drink. A short, grubby
Human Solicitor joins the belligerent monstrosity and taps Rob on
Take up his offer will you?
I’m not in the market.
The big Coach is getting agitated and yells out some
unintelligible gibberish about how he can streamline Robs
business practices with a no risk money back guarantee
I wasn’t at the start either
You just watch our video
We’re wanted men. I’ve seen Tony Robbins on
I’ll be frugal
You’ll be broke.
The business coach lets out a loud grunt and throws all the lined
up business cards and brochures displaying 2 for 1 or get a half
hour free consultation for business assessments from the bar and
moves away. A seedy Real Estate Agent moves beside the Evil
looking pair ROB tries to remain cool but it isn’t easy. His
three adversaries ready their Marketing material. Old ABN moves
in behind ROB.
This little one isn’t worth the
investment. Come let me peddle something for you
A powerful motivational quote from the unpleasant Coach sends the
young would-be KPI sailing across the room, crashing through
income comparison tables and breaking a large Multilevel
marketing startup filled with foul-looking liquidity
With a blood curdling shriek, the Solicitor draws a wicked
chrome laser pointer from his belt and levels it at old ABN as if
going through the beginning of a sales presentation.
The Convener panics.
No PowerPoints! No PowerPoints!
With astounding analysis old Ben’s Xero Saber sparks to life
and in a flash, an arm of the Seedy Solicitors business is
demerged and lies on the floor. The Real estate agent has his
commissionable rate cut in two and the giant multiple- eyed
Coach’s has his cut from chin to groin. Ben carefully and
precisely logs off his xero account and replaces it on his utility
ROB, shaking and totally amazed at the old man’s abilities,
attempts to stand. The entire foray lasted less than the time to
be disappointment in the meal at most events
The excitement of the function goes back to normal, although
ABN is given a respectable amount of room at the bar. ROB,
rubbing his bruised Branding, approaches the old man with new
ABN points the Insurance Wholesaler.
This is NRCHIbacca. He’s first-mate
on an investment vehicle that might suit our needs.
EXT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECA- STREET
FBTPO paces in front of the Networking venue as R&[email protected] carries on
an electronic conversation with another Web based Tax Portal . A
creature comes out of the networking Meeting and approaches
two TAX TROOPERs in the street.
I don’t like the look of this.
INT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECA- Networking Meeting
Strange Stock Traders play exotic big Bank music on odd-looking
Investing instruments as ROB, still giddy, downs a fresh drink
and follows ABN and NRCHIbacca to a Business Stand where TFN Solo
is sitting. TFN is a tough, roguish Financial Planner about
thirty years old. A Mutual Fund Analyst on a starship, he writes
simple Contracts, is into solvency, and good with the common law.
TFN Solo employed. I’m captain of the
Negative Gearing Falcon. NRCHI here tells
me you’re looking for investment in the
Yes, indeed. If it’s a fast investment Vehicle.
Fast vehicle? You’ve never heard of the
Negative Gearing Falcon?
Should I have?
It’s the security that made the Keynsian
Run on the banks in less than twelve basis points!
ABN reacts to Solo’s stupid attempt to impress them with
I’ve outrun Imperial TAX audits, not
the local ATO offices, mind you.
I’m talking about the big Centerlink Branches
now. She’s fast enough for
you, old man. What’s the cargo?
Only Portfolios. For Myself, the boy,
two Deductions, and no questions asked.
What is it? Some kind of local
Let’s just say we’d like to avoid
any contractual entanglements.
Well, that’s the trick, isn’t it?
And it’s going to cost you something
extra. Ten thousand all in advance.
Ten thousand? We could almost buy
our own Financial advisory for that!
But who’s going to manage it, kid! You?
You bet I could. I’m not such a bad
Financial Planner myself! We don’t have to sit
here and listen…
We haven’t that much with us. We
could pay you two thousand now, plus
fifteen when we are signed up to the Alderaan System.
TFN ponders this for a few moments.
Okay. You guys got yourself an investment.
We’ll leave as soon as you’re ready.
Document Form Ninety-four.
Looks like somebody’s beginning to
take an interest in your Holding Company.
Ben and ROB turn around to see four Imperial TAX TROOPERs
looking at the dissolution of the previous attendies Companies
and asking the Convener some questions. The Cenvener points to
the Business Stand.
All right, we’ll check it out.
The TAX TROOPERs look over at the Business Stand but ROB and ABN
are gone. The Convener shrugs his shoulders in puzzlement.
Seventeen thousand! Those guys must
really be desperate. This could really
save my net income. Get back to the office
and get the papers ready.
EXT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECA- STREET
You’ll have to Fix up your PAYG speeder Bill.
That’s okay. I’m never coming back
to this Amway meeting again.
INT. MONSAC VON SECA- Networking Meeting
As TFN is about to leave, Greedo, a slimy green-faced Foreign
currency Trader with a short trunk-nose, pokes a Graduated Rate
in his side.
The creature speaks in a foreign tongue translated into English
Going somewhere, Solo employed?
Yes, Greedo. As a matter of fact, I
was just going to see your boss.
Tell Jobba that I’ve got his short list.
TFN sits down and the Trader sits across from him holding the
Rate on his hedged currency.
It’s too late. You should have given it to him
him when you had the chance. Jobba’s put a performance
review over your head, so large that every employment
hunter in the galaxy will be looking for bounty
I’m lucky I found you first.
Yeah, but this time I got a sterling candidate.
If you give it to me, I might forget
I found you.
I don’t have their contact details with me. Tell
Jobba’s through with you. He has no
time for Planners who sell out their
Short list to other recruitment agencies at the first
sign of a Centrelink Audit.
Even I get audited sometimes. Do you
think I had a choice?
TFN Solo Employed slowly reaches for his Global fund under the
You can tell that to Jobba. He may
only take your equity.
Over my Solvent Business.
That’s the idea. I’ve been looking forward to putting
you out of business for you for a long time.
Yes, I’ll bet you have.
Suddenly the slimy alien disappears in a blinding flash of
Currency Trades. TFN pulls his smoking global Fund from beneath
the table as the other patrons look on in bemused amazement. TFN
gets up and starts out of the Networking Meeting, flipping the
convener a few business cards as he leaves.
Sorry about the mess.
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