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Warning: For Star Wars lovers only

Star Wars: A NEW QTR (Part 2)

Is here!  When your clients are efficient, their systems are automated and their books are in the cloud…. they have so much time on their hands that they can surprise you with the next instalment of your very own Starwars script, featuring Darth APRA, Tax Troopers and Officer Tarrif just to name a few 😀

If you need a refresher, you can find Part 1 here – Starwars New QTR

EXT. Economic speculation SPACE

 

An Imperial TAX destroyer heads toward the evil planet-like

ASSESMENT station: the BAS Star!

 

               INT. BAS STAR – CONFERENCE ROOM

 

Eight Taxation executives and public servants sit around a

black conference table. Imperial TAX TROOPERs stand

guard around the room. Senior officer Tarriff, a young,

slimy-looking public servant is speaking.

 

                                     Officer Tariff

Until this assesment station is fully

operational we are a sham. The

Xperion Alliance is too well educated.

They’re more judicious than you

Realize.

 

The bitter Senior Executive MONEY twists nervously in his chair.

 

                                     Executive MONEY

Dangerous to your Duty fleet,

Senior officer, not to this assessment station!

 

                                     Officer Tariff

 

The Xperion will continue to gain

a support in the Australia Parliament as

long as….

 

Suddenly all heads turn as Officer Tariff’s speech is cut

short and the Grand Moff Taxman, Department Director of the

regional tax division, enters. He is followed by his powerful

ally, The ASIC Lord, DARTH APRA. All of the Public Servants stand

and bow before the thin, evil-looking Director as he takes his

place at the head of the table. The ASIC Lord stands behind

him.

 

                                     GRAND MOFF TAXMAN

The Australian Parliament will no longer

be of any concern to us. I’ve just

Received word that the Tax Commissioner has

dissolved the assembly permanently.

The last remnants of the west minster system

have been swept away.

 

                                     Officer Tariff

That’s impossible! How will the commissioner of

taxation maintain control without the

Regulation?

 

                                     GRAND MOFF TAXMAN

The regional Directors now have direct

Regulation over all Companies. Red Tape will

keep the local businesses in line. Red Tape from

this assessment station.

 

                                     Officer Tariff

And what of the Xperion? If their accountants have

obtained a philosophical justification of this Tax

System, it is possible, however unlikely,

that they might find a feebleness of argument and

exploit it.

 

                                     DARTH APRA

The Codes you refer to will soon be

back in our filing cabinets.

 

                                     Executive MONEY

Any submission made by their paralegal against

this station would be a useless gesture, no matter

what secret codes they’ve obtained.

 

This station is now the ultimate datacentre on the

planet. I suggest we use it!

 

                                     DARTH APRA

Don’t be too proud of this

Administrative terror you’re

operating. The ability to audit

                         a planet is insignificant next to

                         the power of the Financial Year.

 

                                     Executive MONEY

Don’t try to level penalties with your

Ombudsman’s ways, Lord APRA. Your

sad attachment to that obsolete procedure

has not helped you subpoena for the

secret tax codes, or given you

enough deferment to find the

xperions secret tax hav…

 

Suddenly executive Money chokes and starts to go into the red as

Lord APRA applies his Investigative powers to moneys financial

figures.

 

                                     DARTH APRA

I find your lack of aggregation disturbing.

 

                                     GRAND MOFF TAXMAN

Enough of this! DARTH APRA, Extend his payment plan!

 

                                     DARTH APRA

As you wish.

 

                                     GRAND MOFF TAXMAN

This debating is pointless. Lord

APRA will provide us with the

Bank accounts of the xperion tax haven by

the time this station is operational.

We will then crush the Xperion

with one swift stroke.

 

               EXT. TAXTOOINE – WASTELAND

 

The PAYG speeder stops before what remains of the huge Australian Job market. ROB and ABN walk among the smouldering rubble

Of the small business entity.

 

                                     ROB

It looks like Super funds did this,

all right. Look, there are global hedging

sticks, Banker trades. It’s just…

I never heard of them investing in anything

this big before.

 

ABN is perusing the balance sheet studying the paper trail.

 

                                     ABN

They didn’t. But we are meant to

think they did. These transactions are

double entry book keeping. Super funds always record

things in a single entry to hide their numbers.

 

                                     ROB

This is the same Job market that offered

us R&D2 and FBTPO.

 

                                     ABN

And these Bond trades too accurate

for super funds. Only Imperial

TAX TROOPERs are so precise.

 

                                     ROB

Why would TAX troopers want to

Bankrupt The job market?

 

ROB looks back at the speeder where R&D2 and FBTPO are

inspecting the dead Job Market, and put two and two together.

 

                                     ROB

If they traced the deductions here, they

may have learned who initially registered them.

And that would lead them back to the office!

 

ROB reaches a sudden horrible realization, then races for

the Payg Speeder and lodges it.

 

                                     ABN

Wait, ROB! It’s too dangerous.

 

ROB races off leaving Ben and the two Deductions alone with the

burning Shell company.

 

               EXT. TAXTOOINE – WASTELAND

 

ROB races across the economic wasteland in his battered Payg speeder.

 

               EXT. TAXTOOINE – LARS HOMESTEAD

 

The payg speeder roars up to what left of the burning Office.

ROB jumps out and runs to the over clocked smoking computers,

paper is strewn around the remains that were once his cubical.

Profit and loss, balance sheets and business assets are scattered

everywhere.

It looks as if a great merger has taken place.

 

                                     ROB

CEOwen! Aunt Beru! CEOwen!

 

ROB stumbles around in a daze looking for his Receptionist

and Senior partner.

Suddenly he comes upon the smoldering remains of their Capital

assests. He is

stunned, and cannot speak. A hardship clause replaces his fiscal

year and a new resolve comes over him.

 

               EXT. SPACE

 

An Imperial Tax fighter races toward the BAS Star.

 

               INT. BAS STAR – Centerlink CORRIDOR

 

     Two TAX TROOPERs open an electronic lodgement portal door and

               allows several Centerlink guards to enter. Princess Petra’s face

is filled with defiance, which slowly gives way to worry about

her fiscal year as a giant Income Means Testing Calculator

enters, followed by Darth APRA.

 

                                     DARTH APRA

And, now your Highness, we will discuss the account

Numbers of your galactic Tax Haven. Income Means Testing

calculator gives off a steady beeping sound as it approaches

Princess Petra and extends it analysis to the potential Income of

her work over the next 5 years and multiplies that by an

indeterminate percentage.

The door slides shut and the long centerlink block hallway

appears peaceful. The muffled

screams of the XPERION Princess are barely heard.

 

               EXT. TAXTOOINE – Economic WASTELAND

 

There is a large firesale of the Job networks Assets blazing in

front of the shell company as Ben and the Deductions finish

the bankrupted on to the boiler room transactions.  ROB drives up

in the Payg speeder and Ben walks over to him.

 

                                     ABN

There’s nothing you could have done,

ROB, had you been there. You’d have

Traded insolvent, too, and the Deductions

would now be in the hands of the Taxation Empire.

 

                                     ROB

I want to come with you to the Alderaan.

There’s nothing here for me now. I

want to learn the ways of the Financial Year

and become a KPI like my father.

 

               EXT. TAXTOOINE –Economic WASTELAND

 

The payg speeder with ROB, R&D2, FBTPO, and ABN in it

zooms across the Duty Free Zone. The speeder stops on a bluff

overlooking the spaceport at Monsac Von Secca. It is a haphazard

array of low, grey, Company structures and Small businesses. A

harsh capital gain gale blows across the stark economic floor.

ROB adjusts his google search and walks to the edge of the craggy

bluff

Where ABN is standing.

 

                                     ABN

Monsac Von Secca Spaceport. You will never

find a more wretched hive of scum

and villainy. We must be cautious.

 

ABN looks over at ROB, who gives the old KPI a determined

smile.

 

               EXT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECCA- STREET

 

The Payg speeder is stopped on a crowded street by several

company-hardend TAX TROOPERs who look over the two deductions.

 

A TAX TROOPER questions ROB.

 

                                     TAX TROOPER

How long have you had these Deductions?

 

                                     ROB

About three or four Quarters.

 

                                     ABN

I’ll total them up if you want them.

 

                                     TAX TROOPER

Let me see your tax file number.

 

Rob becomes very nervous as he fumbles to find his ITR while

ABN speaks to the TAX TROOPER in a very controlled voice.

 

                                     ABN

You don’t need to see his

Tax File Number.

 

                                     TAX TROOPER

We don’t need to see his

Tax File Number.

 

                                     ABN

These are not the Deductions you’re looking

for.

 

                                     TAX TROOPER

These are not the Deductions we’re looking

for.

 

                                     ABN

He can trade in his business category.

 

                                     TAX TROOPER

You can trade in your business category.

 

                                     ABN

(to ROB)

Move along.

 

                                     TAX TROOPER

Move along. Move along.

 

               EXT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECA- STREET

 

The Payg speeder pulls up in front of a rundown convention centre

on the outskirts of the Technology Hub related valley. Various

strange forms of transport, including several unusual Investment

companies, are parked outside the building. A JOB marketeer runs

up and begins to fondle the payg speeder.

 

                                     FBTPO

I can’t abide this Job Market. Disgusting

Application.

 

As ROB gets out of the Payg speeder he tries to shoo the Job

Market away.

 

                                     ROB

Go on, go on. I can’t understand how

we got by those TAX TROOPERs. I thought

we’d be in a suspicious Industry.

 

                                     ABN

The Financial Year can have a strong influence

on the Budget conscious. You will find it

a powerful ally.

 

                                     ROB

Do you really think we’re going to

find a Financial planner in this networking meeting

that’ll take us to Alderaan?

 

                                     ABN

Well, most of the best Financial

Planners can be found here. Only watch

your step. This place can offer a bad rate of return

 

                                     ROB

I’m ready for anything.

 

                                     FBTPO

Come along, R&D2.

 

               INT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECA- Multi level marketing Seminar

 

The young Accountant and his two deductions follow

ABN Kenobi into the smoke-filled networking meeting. The murky,

moldy room is filled with Salesman and marketing executives

waiting at the long metallic bar. At first the sight is

horrifying. One eyed Bookeepers, multi eyed Insurance Brokers,

               slimy solicitors, furry financial Planners, scaly, tentacled, and

               clawed Business Coaches huddle over drinks.

ABN moves to an empty spot at the bar near a group

of repulsive but human resource salesman. A huge, rough-looking

networking convener stops ROB and the deductions.

 

                                     Networking Convener

We don’t claim their kind here!

 

ROB still recovering from the shock of seeing so many

outlandish business Categories, doesn’t quite catch the

conveners drift.

 

                                     ROB

What?

 

                                     Networking Convener

Your Deductions. They’ll have to wait

outside. We can’t use them for Tax Offsetting

here.

 

ROB looks at old BN, who is busy talking to one of the

Galactic financial Planners. He notices several of the gruesome

Business Coaches along the bar are giving him a very unfriendly

glare.

 

ROB pats FBTPO on the shoulder.

 

                                     ROB

Listen, why don’t you wait in an offset account ready

for the Payg speeder. We don’t want any

scrutiny.

 

                                     FBTPO

I heartily agree with you sir.

 

FBTPO and his stubby partner go outside and most of the

attendies at the bar go back to their drinks.

 

ABN is standing next to NRCHIbacca, an eight-foot-tall savage-

looking consultant resembling a huge grey Mortgage Broker with

fierce Benchmarking fangs. His large blue eyes dominate a fur-

covered face and soften his otherwise awesome appearance.

Over his matted, furry body he wears two chrome Product

disclosure Statements, and little else. He is a two-hundred-year-

old critical illness insurance wholesaler and a sight to behold.

 

ABN speaks to the Wholesaler, pointing to ROB several times

during his conversation and the huge Consultant suddenly lets

out a horrifying laugh. ROB is more than a little bit

disconcerted and pretends not to hear the conversation between

Ben and the giant Wholesaler.

ROB is terrified of networking but tries not to show it. He

quietly sips his drink, holding on to his Business cards hoping

that no one will come and talk to him and he can slip out of the

networking meeting

.

 

A large, multiple-eyed Business Coach gives ROB a rough shove and

says something Rob doesn’t quite hear.

 

                           Vicious looking Business Coach

Double your business turnover Guaranteed????

 

The hideous freak is obviously drunk. ROB tries to ignore

the Coach and turns back on his drink. A short, grubby

Human Solicitor joins the belligerent monstrosity and taps Rob on

the Shoulder.

 

                                     HUMAN Solicitor  

Take up his offer will you?

 

                                     ROB

I’m not in the market.

 

The big Coach is getting agitated and yells out some

unintelligible gibberish about how he can streamline Robs

business practices with a no risk money back guarantee

 

                                     HUMAN Solicitor

                           I wasn’t at the start either

You just watch our video

We’re wanted men. I’ve seen Tony Robbins on

twelve occasions.

 

                                     ROB

I’ll be frugal

 

                                     HUMAN

You’ll be broke.

 

The business coach lets out a loud grunt and throws all the lined

up business cards and brochures displaying 2 for 1 or get a half

hour free consultation for business assessments from the bar and

moves away. A seedy Real Estate Agent moves beside the Evil

looking pair ROB tries to remain cool but it isn’t easy. His

three adversaries ready their Marketing material. Old ABN moves

in behind ROB.

 

                                     ABN

This little one isn’t worth the

investment. Come let me peddle something for you

 

A powerful motivational quote from the unpleasant Coach sends the

young would-be KPI sailing across the room, crashing through

income comparison tables and breaking a large Multilevel

marketing startup filled with foul-looking liquidity

With a blood curdling shriek, the Solicitor draws a wicked

chrome laser pointer from his belt and levels it at old ABN as if

going through the beginning of a sales presentation.

The Convener panics.

 

                                     Networking Convener     

No PowerPoints! No PowerPoints!

 

With astounding analysis old Ben’s Xero Saber sparks to life

and in a flash, an arm of the Seedy Solicitors business is

demerged and lies on the floor. The Real estate agent has his

commissionable rate cut in two and the giant multiple- eyed

Coach’s has his cut from chin to groin. Ben carefully and

precisely logs off his xero account and replaces it on his utility

               belt.

ROB, shaking and totally amazed at the old man’s abilities,

attempts to stand. The entire foray lasted less than the time to

be disappointment in the meal at most events

The excitement of the function goes back to normal, although

ABN is given a respectable amount of room at the bar. ROB,

rubbing his bruised Branding, approaches the old man with new

awe.

 

ABN points the Insurance Wholesaler.

 

                                     ABN

This is NRCHIbacca. He’s first-mate

on an investment vehicle that might suit our needs.

 

               EXT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECA- STREET

 

FBTPO paces in front of the Networking venue as R&[email protected] carries on

an electronic conversation with another Web based Tax Portal . A

creature comes out of the networking Meeting and approaches

two TAX TROOPERs in the street.

 

                                     FBTPO

I don’t like the look of this.

 

               INT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECA- Networking Meeting

 

Strange Stock Traders play exotic big Bank music on odd-looking

Investing instruments as ROB, still giddy, downs a fresh drink

and follows ABN and NRCHIbacca to a Business Stand where TFN Solo

is sitting. TFN is a tough, roguish Financial Planner about

thirty years old. A Mutual Fund Analyst on a starship, he writes

simple Contracts, is into solvency, and good with the common law.

 

                                     TFN

TFN Solo employed. I’m captain of the

Negative Gearing Falcon. NRCHI here tells

me you’re looking for investment in the

Alderaan system.

 

                                     ABN

Yes, indeed. If it’s a fast investment Vehicle.

 

                                     TFN

Fast vehicle? You’ve never heard of the

Negative Gearing Falcon?

 

                                     ABN

Should I have?

 

                                     TFN

It’s the security that made the Keynsian

Run on the banks in less than twelve basis points!

 

ABN reacts to Solo’s stupid attempt to impress them with

obvious misinformation.

 

                                     TFN

I’ve outrun Imperial TAX audits, not

the local ATO offices, mind you.

I’m talking about the big Centerlink Branches

now. She’s fast enough for

you, old man. What’s the cargo?

 

                                     ABN

Only Portfolios. For Myself, the boy,

two Deductions, and no questions asked.

 

                                     TFN

What is it? Some kind of local

trading?

 

                                     ABN

Let’s just say we’d like to avoid

any contractual entanglements.

 

                                     TFN

Well, that’s the trick, isn’t it?

And it’s going to cost you something

extra. Ten thousand all in advance.

 

                                     ROB

Ten thousand? We could almost buy

our own Financial advisory for that!

 

                                     TFN

But who’s going to manage it, kid! You?

 

                                     ROB

You bet I could. I’m not such a bad

Financial Planner myself! We don’t have to sit

here and listen…

 

                                     ABN

We haven’t that much with us. We

could pay you two thousand now, plus

fifteen when we are signed up to the Alderaan System.

 

                                     TFN

Seventeen, huh!

 

TFN ponders this for a few moments.

 

                                     TFN

Okay. You guys got yourself an investment.

We’ll leave as soon as you’re ready.

Document Form Ninety-four.

 

                                     ABN

Ninety-four.

 

                                     TFN

Looks like somebody’s beginning to

take an interest in your Holding Company.

 

Ben and ROB turn around to see four Imperial TAX TROOPERs

looking at the dissolution of the previous attendies Companies

and asking the Convener some questions. The Cenvener points to

the Business Stand.

 

                                     TAX TROOPER

All right, we’ll check it out.

 

The TAX TROOPERs look over at the Business Stand but ROB and ABN

are gone. The Convener shrugs his shoulders in puzzlement.

 

                                     TFN

Seventeen thousand! Those guys must

really be desperate. This could really

save my net income. Get back to the office

and get the papers ready.

 

               EXT. TAXTOOINE – MONSAC VON SECA- STREET

 

                                     ABN

You’ll have to Fix up your PAYG speeder Bill.

 

                                     ROB

That’s okay. I’m never coming back

to this Amway meeting again.

 

               INT. MONSAC VON SECA- Networking Meeting

 

As TFN is about to leave, Greedo, a slimy green-faced Foreign

currency Trader with a short trunk-nose, pokes a Graduated Rate

in his side.

The creature speaks in a foreign tongue translated into English

Derivitives

.

 

                                     GREEDO

Going somewhere, Solo employed?

 

                                     TFN

Yes, Greedo. As a matter of fact, I

was just going to see your boss.

Tell Jobba that I’ve got his short list.

 

TFN sits down and the Trader sits across from him holding the

Rate on his hedged currency.

 

                                     GREEDO

It’s too late. You should have given it to him

him when you had the chance. Jobba’s put a performance

review over your head, so large that every employment

hunter in the galaxy will be looking for bounty

 

I’m lucky I found you first.

 

                                     TFN

Yeah, but this time I got a sterling candidate.

 

                                     GREEDO

If you give it to me, I might forget

I found you.

 

                                     TFN

I don’t have their contact details with me. Tell

Jobba…

 

                                     GREEDO

Jobba’s through with you. He has no

time for Planners who sell out their

Short list to other recruitment agencies at the first

sign of a Centrelink Audit.

 

                                     TFN

Even I get audited sometimes. Do you

think I had a choice?

 

TFN Solo Employed slowly reaches for his Global fund under the

comparison table.

 

                                     GREEDO

You can tell that to Jobba. He may

only take your equity.

 

                                     TFN

 

                           Over my Solvent Business.

 

                                     GREEDO

That’s the idea. I’ve been looking forward to putting

you out of business for you for a long time.

 

                                     TFN

Yes, I’ll bet you have.

 

Suddenly the slimy alien disappears in a blinding flash of

Currency Trades. TFN pulls his smoking global Fund from beneath

the table as the other patrons look on in bemused amazement. TFN

gets up and starts out of the Networking Meeting, flipping the

convener a few business cards as he leaves.

 

                                     TFN

Sorry about the mess.

 

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